Friendly, Not Friends? Navigating Boundaries as a Leader

When I first moved into a leadership role, things changed quickly.

Some of the people I had shared coffee breaks and code reviews with — my peers — suddenly became my direct reports. The shift felt subtle at first. But then came the tough decisions: delivering feedback, navigating performance conversations, and even making calls during a restructuring effort where roles were affected.

I wasn’t just part of the team anymore. I was responsible for it.

And that raised a question I hadn’t really asked before:

“Can I still be friends with the people I manage?”

🤝 Friendship Builds Trust… to a Point

Being approachable, open, and relatable made me the kind of leader I wanted to be. It helped build trust and made it easier for my team to talk to me honestly. I’ve always believed that people do their best work when they feel safe and supported — and relationships matter for that.

But the deeper I went into leadership, the more I realized: friendship comes with new complications once the power dynamic shifts.

You can care deeply about someone and still need to have a difficult conversation about performance. You can laugh with someone in a stand-up and still have to make a call that impacts their role. And when you’re too close — or seen as too close — it can affect how others perceive fairness and trust in your decisions.

⚖️ The Risk: Bias, Blind Spots, and Boundaries

Here’s where it gets real:

• I’ve had to make decisions that impacted people I cared about — including during org restructures. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done as a leader.

• I’ve also learned that even if you’re trying to be objective, perception matters. If your team thinks favoritism exists, trust can erode — even if you’re being fair behind the scenes.

Leadership requires balancing human empathy with organizational responsibility. You can’t lose either — but you also can’t confuse them.

🛠 What’s Worked for Me

Over time, I’ve shifted from asking “Can I be friends with my reports?” to something that feels more grounded:

“Can I lead with humanity, without losing clarity?”

Here’s how I try to walk that line:

1. Be approachable, not over-attached
   Show your human side. Ask about their weekend. Listen. But avoid getting entangled in cliques, private drama, or side conversations that exclude the rest of the team.

2. Be fair before you’re fun
   Fairness and consistency will build deeper loyalty than informal closeness ever will.

3. Have the hard conversations
   I’ve found that the people who trust me the most are the ones I’ve had the most honest conversations with — even when the feedback was tough.

4. Lead with inclusivity
   Celebrate team wins openly. Don’t just connect with a few people over and over. Make sure everyone feels part of the group.

✅ So… Can You Be Friends?

Yes — but it’s different now.

You can still be kind. You can still laugh together. You can care about your team on a deeply human level. But as a leader, you have to make decisions not just for the people closest to you — but for the entire team and the business.

And the truth is, most people don’t expect their manager to be their best friend.
They want someone who’s honest, fair, consistent, and real.

That’s the kind of leadership I’ve come to believe in — one built on trust, not favoritism.
On empathy, not over-identification.
On being friendly, but always being a leader first.

✉️ I’d love to hear how others have handled this — especially if you’ve been promoted to lead your peers. Where did you draw the line, and what helped you earn trust without losing authenticity?